All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. - H. EllisIt's been two months since we broke up. Time is funny. Some days fly by and other creep, minute by minute. I'm having trouble living in the moment. I'm haunted by memories. Remember that day in Cuba when we drank mojitos at the Hotel Nacional? And sitting at the bar at Le Taj? Or watching the turtles in the pond in Nara?
I moved across the world so that I could have some self-respect, some pride, so that I wouldn't beg him to take me back. I've succeeded in that I'm keeping busy. I'm teaching again. I'm working out. I'm reading and reading about why fools fall in love. I'm writing in my journal so that I don't explode with all my feelings. But I'm still broken. The littlest thing will remind me of him and bring me near tears. I torture myself by looking at old emails and pictures; remembering the good times and the bad. The weight of regrets is more than I can bear sometimes. Every day I want to hear his voice. Every day I resist calling him.
Part of me has accepted that this is the end of our story. It still hurts like hell. I still wake up every morning crying. It's still hard to smile or laugh. I feel like I'm faking everything. Do you know what hurts the most? Well, besides doing the hard work of taking one step after another. It's the part of me that can't let go. It's looking at the clock at night and thinking that I should be with him right now. Like I was every night for the last five years. I should be in his arms.
Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..." ~Elizabeth Gilbert
1 comment:
<3 to you. I think, I hope, I know it will get easier. Give it time. Feel what you need to feel.
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