Eating: a homemade sandwich with tomato, cucumber, lettuce and mustard
Drinking: vanilla macchiato
Wearing: soft red tee and white skirt
Feeling: sleepy (have turned into an insomniac lately) but strangely calm
Enjoying: this hot hot HOT weather
Needing: not much, just hugs from my students
Wanting: some Indian food or pizza
Thinking: I had an epiphany of sorts on Sunday. Was lying in bed, feeling blue, trying to resist calling him and then it came to me. Why was I trying so hard to be with him? That's NOT love, just fear. Fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of the future. I mean when you look at it rationally it's crystal clear. You can't always get what you want. I can wallow in my misery or I can move on. I choose to move on.
"As much as it might hurt to let go... it hurts more to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held."
Rediscovering: Eat Pray Love. I read it a few years back and enjoyed Elizabeth's Gilbert's way with prose, her charm and her wit. Now, it's become my manifesto of sorts. I'm finding new meaning in Gilbert's journey. Every word seems like it's written for me.
I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.
When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.
We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we are afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins, then I looked around in this place at the chaos it's endured the way it's been adapted, burned, pillaged then found a way to build itself back up again and I was reassured. Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic it's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift, ruin IS the road to transformation!
I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said -- that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.
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