48 days since we said good bye
48 days of missing you
48 days of wanting to see your smile
48 days of wanting to feel your touch
48 days of wanting crumbs
48 days of reminding myself that I deserve more
48 days of loss
48 days of small deaths
48 days of forced smiles
48 days of wondering if you're okay
48 days of tears
48 days where the sun doesn't rise
48 days of darkness
48 days of emptiness
48 days of sadness
48 days of deep breaths
48 days of soldiering on
48 days of feeling grateful for the love I receive
48 days of feeling I have too much love to give
48 days of searching for someone to give my love too
48 days of trying to love myself
48 days of feeling more alone than I've ever felt before
48 days of finding hidden strengths inside
48 days of finding me
48 days of letting go
48 days of music
48 days of writing furiously
48 days of writing without hesitation
48 days of searching
48 days of wishing I believed in God
48 days of crying out in the night for somebody to help me
48 days of feeling weak
48 days of wanting strength
48 days of saying goodbye
48 days of erasing memories
48 days of trying to stay in the present
48 days of sleeplessness
48 days of tossing and turning
48 days of restlessness
48 days of giving up
48 days of surprise when morning comes
48 days of wonder that I can try again
48 days of hope that I can make it better today
* I wrote this post and immediately a day later hid it. I was embarrassed of all that raw emotion. I know that not many people read this blog but even so I feel naked and vulnerable. I've perfected a certain act, the "Sweta" people encounter is happy-go-lucky. It's hard for me to let go and lay my true self bare. But this is a test for me. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like everything is okay. Yes, life is beautiful, but hell some days it's fucking hard to find anything to love. Some days I just want to give up. But I'm not going to. In some way this blog is helping me. It's an outlet for me, a way to challenge myself, to be less critical and judgemental of all those messed of feelings. They are real and this is me, laid bare. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable, it actually makes me very uncomfortable, but I'm going to keep writing.
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